The doctor told me that I had bad kidney function last time I saw her, which was a bit of a surprise because nobody ever told me that before, and she hadn't done any tests. There must have been something on my record, which they forgot to mention before. These guys are an absolute shambles.
Thanks, Flecc, for those suggestions. I managed to get some Ibuprofen from my local corner shop. Thank Christ for bikes with throttles. That has eased the pain a bit.
Normally, I'd be hitting my medicinal brandy, but alcohol is the worst thing for gout.