I wrote to my MP on Thursday evening. I don't expect that I will hear back, but I've said my bit.
Dear,
Dominic Cummings
I have just checked to see if you have stated your position regarding the activities of Dominic Cummings last month. In particular, I am interested to know your thoughts regarding his decision to take his family from London to Durham whilst believing that they were infected with Coronavirus, and his 60 mile drive to test his eyesight. I see that 61 of your Conservative MP colleagues have discovered that they have a backbone and have publicly criticised the actions of Dominic Cummings, some calling for his resignation or dismissal. You are keeping a low profile on the matter. Do you think that taking people infected with Coronavirus from London to Durham contravenes the very clear message from government to stay at home? Do you think it is acceptable to drive a motor vehicle with your family onboard if you suspect that your vision may be impaired? Is it even a good idea to do any of these things?
I found the support given to Dominic Cummings by Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Matt Hancock and other senior ministers to be insulting. They clearly think that the British people are stupid. The level of absurdity of Mr Cummings’s account is equivalent to what you would expect to hear from a schoolboy trying to explain to the headmaster why he has been caught in possession of a cigarette. It’s preposterous.
For a moment, I surrender to the government’s view that I am extremely stupid, a real blockhead. I will now assume that Dominic Cummings’s journey to Barnard Castle, with his wife and child onboard, was necessary to test his theory that he may be unfit to drive due to impaired vision. Let’s call it, “The Cummings Test.” Incidentally, The Cummings Test has been endorsed by Michael Gove, who has stated that he has taken it!
As my MP, I need you to furnish me with more detail regarding exactly how The Cummings Test works. Several journalists tried to seek clarity at the Downing Street Briefing on Thursday, but Mr Johnson forbid the scientists from answering, which seems odd because we are supposed to be following the science. He did however indicate that The Cummings Test is a valid and legal procedure which he supports. So far, I understand that to take The Cummings Test, I put the people I love and hold most dear in a car, or other suitable motor vehicle. I then set off and drive on a public highway in order to prove to myself that my eyesight is defective. What are the parameters for success or failure of this test? I assume that at the conclusion I must check the vehicle’s radiator grille for debris and if I find articles such as a bicycle, an old lady, a trombone or a wheelchair, this may be an indication that my eyesight is below the standard required for driving? What if there is just pieces of roadside furniture lodged in the grille, a bus stop sign, litter bin or park bench for example, can I carry on driving? Would you be kind enough to enquire with the Department for Transport on my behalf and clear up these points please?
There may be other stupid people in the constituency of xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx who are sceptical about The Cummings Test. Therefore, it may be beneficial to make a statement on your website regarding its validity and the pass / fail criteria. I think the United States did something similar after the President indicated that injecting yourself with bleach and inserting a high power ultra-violet light into your bottom might mitigate some of the symptoms of Coronavirus.
Keep up the good work. XXXXXXX needs you!
Yours sincerely
Barry Shittpeas