Does anyone here suffer from Alfine Testicles? Let me explain:
Four sets of circumstances need to conspire in order to present a risk of Alfine Testicles. Firstly, the rider needs to posses a testicle or set of testicles. Secondly, the bicycle must have a crossbar. Next, the bicycle must be fitted with a Shimano Alfine or Nexus 8 speed hub gear. Finally, the ambient temperature must be -4 degrees centigrade or below. If all of these conditions are satisfied, then you are at risk. If not, you are not at risk and may refrain from reading any further.
The circumstances outlined above, will at some time, connive and hatch a terrible plot to collide your testicles, at great velocity, with the bicycle cross bar. It works like this:
At or below -4 degrees centigrade, the grease within the hub gear will increase in viscosity to the point where the internal spring is unable to move the mechanism to any gear ratio lower than 5th gear. Moving the shifter to a lower gear will be futile as the cable will just become slack due to the internal spring being unable to move the gear mechanism through the thick grease.
When the rider approaches a steep hill, the four elements jump into action, fixing the bicycle in 5th gear. The rider desperately deploys the gear shifter, hoping by some miracle that 2nd or 3rd gear can be selected. It’s hopeless, the gears aren’t going to yield. Pressure is building on the pedals. The rider is now out of the saddle, clawing for every inch of ascent before having to surrender. Then the hub gear does it’s insidious work, allowing the selector to move through the grease. But only by a carefully measured fraction though. This is just enough to cause the gears to slip with a loud and displeasing bang. This is a bang which is only surpassed in volume by the tormented screams of a gentleman bringing the full weight of his torso to bear upon his testicles.
And this is how Alfine Testicles are formed.
I’m off to visit the nurse now to see if anything can be done.
Four sets of circumstances need to conspire in order to present a risk of Alfine Testicles. Firstly, the rider needs to posses a testicle or set of testicles. Secondly, the bicycle must have a crossbar. Next, the bicycle must be fitted with a Shimano Alfine or Nexus 8 speed hub gear. Finally, the ambient temperature must be -4 degrees centigrade or below. If all of these conditions are satisfied, then you are at risk. If not, you are not at risk and may refrain from reading any further.
The circumstances outlined above, will at some time, connive and hatch a terrible plot to collide your testicles, at great velocity, with the bicycle cross bar. It works like this:
At or below -4 degrees centigrade, the grease within the hub gear will increase in viscosity to the point where the internal spring is unable to move the mechanism to any gear ratio lower than 5th gear. Moving the shifter to a lower gear will be futile as the cable will just become slack due to the internal spring being unable to move the gear mechanism through the thick grease.
When the rider approaches a steep hill, the four elements jump into action, fixing the bicycle in 5th gear. The rider desperately deploys the gear shifter, hoping by some miracle that 2nd or 3rd gear can be selected. It’s hopeless, the gears aren’t going to yield. Pressure is building on the pedals. The rider is now out of the saddle, clawing for every inch of ascent before having to surrender. Then the hub gear does it’s insidious work, allowing the selector to move through the grease. But only by a carefully measured fraction though. This is just enough to cause the gears to slip with a loud and displeasing bang. This is a bang which is only surpassed in volume by the tormented screams of a gentleman bringing the full weight of his torso to bear upon his testicles.
And this is how Alfine Testicles are formed.
I’m off to visit the nurse now to see if anything can be done.
