This is a continuation by request of this post of mine in the main forum, where I was asked to give more examples of dealing with problems.
Throughout you'll see good humour, kindness and respect, never any confrontational words, but complete confidence. This last is very important, not arrogant confidence but the laid back relaxed kind that the kids themselves aspire too and respect. I made the comparison with animals in that earlier posting, and the kids should indeed be approached in the way we do with aggressive dogs if we are sensible. That's never showing fear since that winds up the dogs (and kids), worsening their behaviour, just giving the impression of being in control through calm confidence.
These examples are all minor incidents, but they could all have easily become major ones with the sort of mishandling that's so common.
1) At the entrance to a nature reserve in the country with no-one else around I came across three teens, one starting to spray graffiti on a signboard as the others watched. They immediately stared aggressively at me expecting the usual either timid or confrontational response, but I completely ignored what they were doing but gave them a warm friendly smile and said "Hi", carrying on though the gate. A few yards further on I permitted myself a glance back and sure enough, as expected they were walking away, spraying abandoned.
Why? It's simple really. It's often said, including by the kids, that they do these things out of boredom, but that's an oversimplification. They do something because they are bored, but it's bad because they are, as Alex says, often resentful, disillusioned and angry and want to protest at their lot in life. If confronted their protest has done what they wanted, they get satisfaction and the bad behaviour is reinforced and repeated. If their protest is apparently not noticed, it becomes pointless, so they tend to look for something else to do.
2) In a similar incident I added a completely unexpected element. As I turned a corner walking quietly I came across two kids who had pulled a very full waste bin under a bus shelter, one just lighting a match and throwing the box into the bin, apparently intending to set light to it. Surprised by my sudden presence and pausing, the match went out. I smiled sympathetically saying "Last match?", then reaching for a pocket I knew was empty I said, "here you are" but feigning disappointment said, "Oh sorry, I left my lighter at home". I walked on leaving them with a surprised look on their faces, and moments later they wandered off as expected, talking to each other. Again what they were doing had lost its point.
3) A young offender employee of a few weeks turned up at work with an expensive music player which I knew he couldn't possibly have afforded or been given. It was important that he knew that I knew it was stolen goods, but outright asking or accusing would produce an explosive response from this West Indian background 17 year old. So I asked to hear it, had a listen and congratulated him on it's quality, adding, "Well X, either you're much richer than I thought or you can run faster than the shop assistant". He immediately laughed and with a grin repeated the words "I can run faster than the shop assistant". Job done, he'd admitted to me it was stolen property and since he knew with certainty I wouldn't approve, that was all that was necessary. Rome wasn't built in a day, and with young offenders progress consists of many very small steps in partnership.
4) A cycling one. On my local Courtwood Lane in the estate i was confronted by a bunch of five older teens who'd been causing increasingly confrontational trouble in the neighbourhoods, and in my case they were deliberately walking back and forth in the road in my way to stop me cycling through. I stopped, and looked at them in a serious way without saying anything at first, letting them increasingly expect an angry reaction. When I did speak I said, "Now then, I'll tell Father Christmas". Of course they burst into derisory laughter, at which I looked disappointed and said "Oh no, don't tell me you don't believe in Father Christmas", one responded with sarcastic chuckling "of course not", so I responded with a feigned shocked look and said "What! Next you'll be telling me there's no Tooth Fairy".
More bursting into laughter, at which I dropped the act and said with a smile "Have a nice day lads" and started to cycle on, the one in front of the bike moving out of the way for me.
5) One I am rather proud of, stopping a mugging from some 25 yards away without a single spoken word. In my area as in many London Boroughs, we suffer from numerous young on young muggings. Riding along the road towards Selsdon I saw a young teen on a pavement scooter bowling along in the direction of the Monks Hill council estate, then noticed a nudge between two older teens who manouvred into position to waylay the younger kid, an obvious mugging about to take place. I stopped and stared intently towards the incident and the one in front of the kid looking around warily spotted me at which I raised an eyebrow and gave a knowing slight smile. He said something to the other teen who looked round and then stepped back, allowing the younger kid to shoot off. Both teens then looked at me again with obviously embarrassed smiles, to which I smiled and carried on cycling, them carrying on walking in the same direction towards Selsdon.
Some would say I should have reported this incident, but that's wrong. The police couldn't do anything even when the teens were identified, which would leave them with feeling they'd beaten the police and me. By leaving things as they were, they'd lost, I'd won, and they'd been left embarrassed, not an experience they'd want to repeat in a hurry.
I've got many more examples, but you can see my common themes. Never any direct verbal confrontation, plenty of friendly reaction, minimal and often no indication of disapproval, and liberal use of surprise elements, behaviour totally unexpected of an adult.
Again many would say youth misbehaviour should be confronted, but to what end? The only possible purpose would be to point out that what they are doing is wrong, but that's pointless. They know what they are doing is wrong, that's why they are doing it!
.
Throughout you'll see good humour, kindness and respect, never any confrontational words, but complete confidence. This last is very important, not arrogant confidence but the laid back relaxed kind that the kids themselves aspire too and respect. I made the comparison with animals in that earlier posting, and the kids should indeed be approached in the way we do with aggressive dogs if we are sensible. That's never showing fear since that winds up the dogs (and kids), worsening their behaviour, just giving the impression of being in control through calm confidence.
These examples are all minor incidents, but they could all have easily become major ones with the sort of mishandling that's so common.
1) At the entrance to a nature reserve in the country with no-one else around I came across three teens, one starting to spray graffiti on a signboard as the others watched. They immediately stared aggressively at me expecting the usual either timid or confrontational response, but I completely ignored what they were doing but gave them a warm friendly smile and said "Hi", carrying on though the gate. A few yards further on I permitted myself a glance back and sure enough, as expected they were walking away, spraying abandoned.
Why? It's simple really. It's often said, including by the kids, that they do these things out of boredom, but that's an oversimplification. They do something because they are bored, but it's bad because they are, as Alex says, often resentful, disillusioned and angry and want to protest at their lot in life. If confronted their protest has done what they wanted, they get satisfaction and the bad behaviour is reinforced and repeated. If their protest is apparently not noticed, it becomes pointless, so they tend to look for something else to do.
2) In a similar incident I added a completely unexpected element. As I turned a corner walking quietly I came across two kids who had pulled a very full waste bin under a bus shelter, one just lighting a match and throwing the box into the bin, apparently intending to set light to it. Surprised by my sudden presence and pausing, the match went out. I smiled sympathetically saying "Last match?", then reaching for a pocket I knew was empty I said, "here you are" but feigning disappointment said, "Oh sorry, I left my lighter at home". I walked on leaving them with a surprised look on their faces, and moments later they wandered off as expected, talking to each other. Again what they were doing had lost its point.
3) A young offender employee of a few weeks turned up at work with an expensive music player which I knew he couldn't possibly have afforded or been given. It was important that he knew that I knew it was stolen goods, but outright asking or accusing would produce an explosive response from this West Indian background 17 year old. So I asked to hear it, had a listen and congratulated him on it's quality, adding, "Well X, either you're much richer than I thought or you can run faster than the shop assistant". He immediately laughed and with a grin repeated the words "I can run faster than the shop assistant". Job done, he'd admitted to me it was stolen property and since he knew with certainty I wouldn't approve, that was all that was necessary. Rome wasn't built in a day, and with young offenders progress consists of many very small steps in partnership.
4) A cycling one. On my local Courtwood Lane in the estate i was confronted by a bunch of five older teens who'd been causing increasingly confrontational trouble in the neighbourhoods, and in my case they were deliberately walking back and forth in the road in my way to stop me cycling through. I stopped, and looked at them in a serious way without saying anything at first, letting them increasingly expect an angry reaction. When I did speak I said, "Now then, I'll tell Father Christmas". Of course they burst into derisory laughter, at which I looked disappointed and said "Oh no, don't tell me you don't believe in Father Christmas", one responded with sarcastic chuckling "of course not", so I responded with a feigned shocked look and said "What! Next you'll be telling me there's no Tooth Fairy".
More bursting into laughter, at which I dropped the act and said with a smile "Have a nice day lads" and started to cycle on, the one in front of the bike moving out of the way for me.
5) One I am rather proud of, stopping a mugging from some 25 yards away without a single spoken word. In my area as in many London Boroughs, we suffer from numerous young on young muggings. Riding along the road towards Selsdon I saw a young teen on a pavement scooter bowling along in the direction of the Monks Hill council estate, then noticed a nudge between two older teens who manouvred into position to waylay the younger kid, an obvious mugging about to take place. I stopped and stared intently towards the incident and the one in front of the kid looking around warily spotted me at which I raised an eyebrow and gave a knowing slight smile. He said something to the other teen who looked round and then stepped back, allowing the younger kid to shoot off. Both teens then looked at me again with obviously embarrassed smiles, to which I smiled and carried on cycling, them carrying on walking in the same direction towards Selsdon.
Some would say I should have reported this incident, but that's wrong. The police couldn't do anything even when the teens were identified, which would leave them with feeling they'd beaten the police and me. By leaving things as they were, they'd lost, I'd won, and they'd been left embarrassed, not an experience they'd want to repeat in a hurry.
I've got many more examples, but you can see my common themes. Never any direct verbal confrontation, plenty of friendly reaction, minimal and often no indication of disapproval, and liberal use of surprise elements, behaviour totally unexpected of an adult.
Again many would say youth misbehaviour should be confronted, but to what end? The only possible purpose would be to point out that what they are doing is wrong, but that's pointless. They know what they are doing is wrong, that's why they are doing it!
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